Testing Testing

Been keeping quiet for a while though life definitely has not. And by life, I mean my Zen. and by Zen, I mean my son. To write about him or how having him in my world has altered my life 180 degrees deserves a post (or more) on its own so let's keep that for later. What triggered me to write was the melancholy feeling I have been having lately, usually around 28 days apart. Lol.

And what gave opportunity for this feeling to linger on was having the idle time letting my mind wanders. That, to me, is the downside of breastfeeding. The lack of control you have over your mind when your body gives in to your child's demand. I truly love that bonding session with Zen but once do'a and lullaby time are done and he is done tossing and turning, and goes to mid slumber, I am alone with my thoughts.

And my thoughts are seldom happy. 

Sometimes I worry about the future. Sometimes I dwell on the past. and sometimes I get upset about the present. It feels like a ball of haywire is stuck on my brain and the more I try to unravel it, the messier it gets. 

So I thought it's best if I start remembering what I loved to do, before (adult) life took control of me dinosaur years ago. And then I remembered how I love writing. Mostly poems, but I guess I wrote them best during my angst or lovestruck times, which I don't think I am now. Or maybe I've grown up and mellowed down a bit? 

S'okay. Will take this as a practice ;p

Stay tuned.

My Ponette

They say good mothers know when to say No.

But all throughout my 30 years, you've only said Yes to (almost) all my crazy dreams, funny requests and weird ambitions. You said Yes to that hideous and hideously expensive dress I wanted to wear at the school play, Yes to watching Spice Girls the Movie on Raya Eve, Yes to KFC on Raya, Yes to that Rogue hair stripes, Yes to switching Biology to Architecture Drawing, Yes to not going to Matrix but Diploma instead, Yes to a hundred and one cats, Yes to road trips with friends, Yes to starting my own business and the list doesn't stop there.

The same thing happened  during those months of wedding preparation. Even when others hesitated, questioned, mocked and laughed, you stood by me and all my crazy ideas on how my wedding would be like. All I wanted was an intimate wedding where the newlyweds AND the guests are happy. Small wedding where only the people I care about and who cares about me are there.

Okay, I lied. I also wanted a beautiful dress, blue hydrangeas and laces with mint and green setting, hexagon hantaran crates without the Sireh nonsense, an arch instead of a pelamin where we can take pictures instead of renjis-renjis dipilis, meaningful door gifts, Chiviari chairs and chandeliers, family all dressed in grey, luncheon straight after Nikah and of course, coconut shakes! What a beautiful wedding it was! Tastefully done, and like me, as you know and supported, it was simple.

Oh, and let's not forget the wedding dinner! I should have listened to you and not wasted days/weeks searching for venues and just go for the first one I saw and fell in love with. It was a magical night. Remember the string lights, carefully chosen music, greattt food and lovely ambience? How we had flipped the whole place... literally! And yeay, I got my long awaited moon setting and glitter jars with candles centrepieces! The rain only added a little adventure. I was in love. A dream came true.

Thanks to you.
They say good mothers say No, but what do you know? You're the best.

Love you Ponette.

Oh Muhammad

To the best man
The best of all creations
Model father, husband, leader, human
Kindest, strongest, noblest, true

He who we did not have the chance to meet
or hear him speak
But pray every night that we will
Even a glance, though a whisper

He whose face "shines like the moon"
Only brighter, only more beautiful
He who we only can learned about
But love with all our hearts

The most perfect being,
Muhammad (peace be upon him)

Salam Maulidur Rasul

Give me a sign

The One

You will always be the one who kissed my feet
The one who sent me postcards from London
The one who brought me out jalan-jalan
The one who offered to be the clown on my birthday, just because i wanted one
The one who inspired me to join lifeguarding lessons
The one who scared me out of Biology (do you know you have to dissect a frog?!)
The one who took 2 weeks off to take care of me coz the maid ran away
The one who tutored me Add Maths
The one who loved my friends
The one who let me crash her place in the middle of the night
The one who let my friends crash her place in the middle of the night
The one who made me her roommate welcomely
The one who listens to my rambling about work
The one who calls me 8 times a day
The one who loves me unconditionally

Too lazy to lead.
Too stubborn to follow.
Changing today.
Starting tomorrow.

River in My Heart, Dust in My Eyes

Action Heroes, It has been a great 2 years. Met many great people, enjoyed many events, sat long enough in front of the screen, cursed loudly/quietly too much, participated in various projects and jobs; and learned a lot from them all. I'm sorry if I have ever offended you in any way. Thank you for making my stay here a memorable one. I appreciate every minute of it. Most of you have left an impact on me personally and professionally. So I'd like to thank you:

 -Hong Fei: for being such a jolly guy and great person to work with, although everytime I see you, I hear a Kung Fu soundtrack.
-Sham: for your spunkiness, sarcasm and your taste in music.
-Ashraff: for the funny conversations and the dance lessons, although I failed terribly.
-Javen: for being such an funny and awesome person to wok with, and learn from. I wish only great things for you.
-Meels: for being our "mommy" here. You've been so warm. If you want more loofahs, just holler ya :
-Elle: for your quirkiness, party ideas and random songs. Thanks to you I can sing at least 1 Chinese and Korean songs.
-Ben: for being such a great boss/leader/person. I'm glad I had the chance to work with you. Somehow your energy and enthusiasm is very inspiring.
-Kay: for being a rockstar. Whatever comes out of your mouth (air included) amuses me.
-Gigi: for being my neighbour/friend/girly-girl links&website sharer/French lessons student. Excuse moi. haha
-Elisa: for the random riddles and the infectious laughter.
-Yin May: for being my awesome twin/fellow ranger/lunch&pool partner/annoying song victim/confidant. I'm definitely gonna miss bugging you and being bugged by you. I miss you already :(
-Kit: for your randomness and your grins.
-Hafidz: for your guidance, help, songlists, jokes and sarcasm.
-Ewan: for guiding me when I first started here. I hope I didn't annoy you too much with the questions. -Nuno: for having the White Water Rafting Outing and playing random songs.
-Nisha: for your non-stop giggles, funny stories and generousity. Although it's been only few months but I'm glad we met.
-Edmund: for bugging, helping, cheering, humoring and laughing with me. How time flies, right..
-Mo: for being so nice, funny and humble. And for wearing the yellow Ranger shirt.
-Armand: for your sarcasm, advises, funny comments and menyibokness
-Alvina: for your cheeriness that is very contagious
-Nadia M: for your dead-pan sense of humor and easy going attitude.
-Mei Yan: for being down to earth and sweet.
-Ian: for being so calm and cool. i don't get it, even when you panic, you're calm and cool. How do you do it??
-Alwi: for being so cool and collected. Same question to Ian refers to you.
-Rachel: for your food supply at times, and being so energetic all the time. Same question to Ian refers to you.
-Nadia Sepat: for your funny stories, laughter, fun lunches, and the awesome Bumi Armada times..
-Celine: for your sweetness and support in my pool games. pffftt...
-Prabha: for your random loud jokes, and of course, your Salman Khan moves. It will forever stuck in my head.
-Dani: for inspiring me with your blog.
-Mahesh: for being so cool and for having me here.
-Julia,Sandy, Sophia, Shana, Steve, Von, PohLin, ChunHoe, Ramya, Fang, Anne, Eddy, Jarrod, MichelleTammy, Phoebe, Kylee, Cindy Lim, Cindy Tan, Renee, Ajay: Although I haven't had the chance to work with you closely, thank you for your upbeat spirit and energy that really lights up the office.

 Till we meet again :')
 EZA

27

As years go by, I learned: :to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter how oily, uneven, or messy. :that having few great friends is better than many so-called-friends. :to love the man I learned about and the beautiful religion I was born into. :that being genuinely nice is good for your soul. :that I can't get fat no matter how hard I try and how much I eat. :to enjoy eating. :to like nude colours. :to appreciate the time I have :that money is not everything, but it's nice to have though. :to control my impatience. :to hate camwhores, pretentious people and doing something easy. :that risks can be fun. :whom to trust. :that my mum still pronounces my name wrong

Blast From The Past

credit to Kenny :)

Unicorns

When it's the end of the year and it's Sale everywhere
You have made your list of next's year's wear
By the roadside you park and on your windowsill it sits
Bye bye new clothes, hello ticket, you unicorn shit

When you have all the plans but too comfy to move
and people keep calling and you acted aloof
The holidays are over. Red eyes and new zits
New year, new forms of unicorn shit

When you free-roaming all day till the clock strikes five
Then comes new brief, small heart attack and no social life
You crawled home knackered and too sleepy to eat
Besides, all day you have eaten unicorn shit

Tomorrow's a new day, you comfort your poor heart
Let's pray for a bright and leafy new start
You snoozed the alarm, late again, goddammit
Oh well, I better get used to this unicorn shit

I couldn't believe my eyes...

I couldn't believe my eyes... as he walked into the room, walking ever so sexily like a Calvin Klein model, no, supermodel! With his hair slicked back like that, a strand or two falling smoothly on his forehead, his maroon shirt unbuttoned on the top, revealing a bit of his perfectly toned chests,and with shiny black pants hanging on his well built legs; he looked like a cross between Brad Pitt, especially on the facial posture and Tom Cruise on the eyes.

He walked past the first few rows of booths, leaving the girls sitting there gaping like idiots, ignoring their dates who looked pathetically worried. When he reached the booth I was sitting in, he pulled up a chair and sat. When his eyes saw mine, he smiled that beautiful smile of his. I couldn't help but stare at him like the girls at the other booths as if he was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Then again, maybe he is!

I still couldn't believe that it was Valentine's Day and he was sitting in front of me. Me, Misha binti Murad, the unpopular Headmaster's daughter, and not my bestfriend Farah Coleena, the Beauty Queen of Seremban High School. Farah and I have been bestfriends since we were eight. Despite our opposite qualities, we will and always be the best of friends, keeping the oath we made long time ago.

I have always been secretly envious of her looks and charm. The way she made guys swoon and head over heels just by glancing a micro minute at them. She's loved by her family, friends and teachers. She's everyone's favourite and I'm just her sidekick. We've been dubbed "The Beauty and The Brain". It hurts, although I always pretended I didn't care and just laughed it off.

It hurts that we are so different. Why can't we both be beautiful and popular? Life would be much easier. It's not that Farah is taking advantage of being friends with me, like copying all my homework just because she's too busy with her social life. No, she's nothing like that. Instead, she's been the total opposite, like trying to fit me in with her other cool friends, doing make overs on me and introducing me to the guys she knew. It's just that I can't pretend anymore. I've always dreamed that some day, some guy will like me, not her.

And there he was, sitting in front of me, looking extra gorgeous (if that is possible) with his eyes on me. A dream came true. My mind drifted into a fantasy of me wearing a beautiful gown in arms of my shiny knight in armor, him, on a white horse when suddenly he interrupted me, saying, "So, about Farah,..."


-I wrote this essay in English class, back when I read too many Sweet Valleys and when Brad Pitt was still a bachelor and Tom Cruise was still sane. 2001.

Lily of The Valley

The last time I saw her was at my Raya open house. She came early, with her sister Aly who cooked amazing curry for the roti jala that she brought. While Aly cooked and mum last-touching up the food, Lily kept me company. She looked like she was cold so I gave her a blanket, which she just put aside. I was mopping and she was watching. I felt comfortable with her there, chatting a little. Aly came to the living room, taking a break. "Aik, macam tu ke mop?" she teased. I wasn't that pissed so I kept quiet. No point arguing with midde aged ladies who's been doing it for years, and besides, her curry's awesome. Lily argued, "Dia dah mop satu lantai tadi. Ni second round."

After 2 rounds of express mopping, I laid on the sofa, tired. Lily was more concern about my migraine and slight diziness, than the cancer that she's been fighting for more than 4 years. Mum finished preparing, walked to the living room, saw me with my legs up, relaxing on the sofa. "Amboi, baring ke?", she asked sarcastically. Before I could give any smart remark, Lily came to my defense, "Dia penat tu. Dia kemas tadi". The two went on about me deserving/not deserving that rest while I kept laying there, happily.

Today, in the car with mum, I randomly commented, "No wonder everyone loves Aunty Lily, kan". "What do you mean?" asked mum. " Remember during the open house? She defended me even though she didn't have to. And like you said, she always defended whoever that's being scold." I recalled mum telling me that Lily's the favourite of the family. Although timid, she's very soft, loving and always defended her children against her sister/mum's criticism. "It's hard not to love her" I added.

Next 30 minutes, with mum and Aly in the car, we got a call that Lily collapsed. We hurried through bad trafic, got there in double the time it usually take, and got the worst news. Lily's gone. Everything happened so fast. The moaning, the crying, the staring, the funeral, the burial. But I couldn't help but wonder, she even left at a convenient time, not wanting to trouble anyone. At a Saturday, when everyone's not busy. In the afternoon, when there's ample time for the process to be done before dusk. In Syawal, after her kids could celebrate Raya with her. This year, when her second daughter has finished her Diploma and her sister got job offers, after sacrificing her work to look after her for years. She had even told the Ustaz how she wanted things to be done, so it will go smoothly.

The only inconvenience was, it rained today. But how else could the sky weeps for losing someone sweet like Lily?

Al-Fatihah

Baik tak kawan

baik tak bodoh
diam tak bisu
maaf tak lupa
layan tak suka
tutup tak pekak
tangis tak tulus
tenang tak bebal
kawan tak kenal?

Lovesick Traveller

It's been 24 days. I still miss it. I catch myself several times a day daydreaming about it. I mentally knock my head with a hammer every time I see something that was cheaper there. And also the Cherry Coke incident at the airport. 3 bottles... 5.4 Euros I'll never see again. And why the freak did I buy the "&" block instead of "E"? Or ANY letter. Or more letters? I DID spent 3 hours there specifically. Everything sounds nicer there. Even a dodgy place like La Chapelle... Sigh...

And I should've taken more pictures. Why can't I be one of those people who takes pictures of EVERYTHING? Then I'd have more things to show. Now I understand why my oh-I'm-so-artistic-I-take-pictures-of-everything-but-myself photography-lover/photographer-wannabe friends crane their heads to the weirdest angle possible, lie on their back shamelessly, carry that huge bulky SLR on their neck religiously. I learned it the hard way. Now I'm stuck with all these pictures of me trying not to look as if I'm posing when I obviously were, in the most beautiful backdrops that should have been the subject, not props. Hmm, thank God for Photoshop CS5 Content-Aware magic trick. Just in time.

It's that feeling. The feeling being in a foreign place and everything to learn. Feeling too much. Seeing so much. The pastry smell. The highly-efficient public transportation. The manual doors. The historical beautiful solid building. The shops. The blue blue sky. The travel companion. The snobs going to/coming back from work. The stuck up dogs. Their more stuck up owners. Their piss. The dogs' piss. The shopping. The sexy guys. The sexier language. The language barrier. The cold. The unexpectant Originas. The walking all day and coming back still smelling nice. The record store. The artsy farty artistic artists art. The comforting instant noodles. The neighbour country. L'amour. "Orlando Bloom". Did I mention that I miss it?



something pretty (cliche) taken by a camera dummy

13 things in 13 years

1. Learn how to dance. properly (√)
2. Visit Paris (√), Greece, Japan and Cambodia
3. Read and understand the whole Holy Al-Quran
4. Work in London
5. Witness a Northern lights neon sky
6. Open a cafe gallery/shop
7. Buy a house
8. Get a Masters Degree or a second Degree
9. Wear hijjab
10. Have long hair and then cut it supershort
11. Become an activist or a volunteer
12. Meet John Mayer
13. Sell a painting

oh wowww

pergi ke kedai membeli angsa
rupamu wahai kekasihku sungguh mempesona
membeli angsa di kedai basikal
awak xtau ke awak ni hot sial!
kedai basikal di tepi lorong
bisikanmu membuatkan katak membisu ong ong ong

jiran di sebelah menyidai baju
boleh i tau nama you?
menyidai baju dan spender koyak
boleh saya tau no phone awak?
spender koyak digigit biawak
awak ni jual mahal la pulak

-Lil Ash

You were there in black, that bloody stick in one hand and a wave in another.
Image concious as always, but I got a smile altogether.
A moment caught, that moment captured

You were sitting there by the roadside. 10 metres apart.
And i don't care but I want to rhyme it with my heart.
And just like that, we're back to the start :)

Aku
Saya
Kite
Beta
Kawan
Eden
Chek
Orang
Beta
Kami
Hamba

dan banyak lagi...

Pokok segala masalah dengan bahasa ibunda tercinta.
Bahasa Jiwa Bangsa.

Maknanya, I ni bukan Melayu ke?

Zana Too

My fickle mindedness frustrates others.
Yours is just frustating.
My fair judgement keeps others.
Yours inspired me.
My string of excuses.
Learnt from you.
My stubbornness.
Taught by you.

Your sucky direction, your charity,
Your reserved nature, your apology,
Your homesickness, your privacy,
Your big heart, your TLC,
Your love of poetry,
All brought down to me.

Emlet

to rhyme or not to rhyme.
to rhyme. of course! all the time.